This could easily be my last blog post. My faith in this union was entirely premature. Sky (SC) is killing my soul.
In an article about overcoming the relationship power struggle, Bruce Muzik writes:
After a while of this power struggle, even the smallest disagreements get blown out of proportion leaving you feeling alone, abandoned and totally disconnected from the one person you love most.
Once you feel disconnected, you most likely become needy and demanding, desperately trying to reconnect with your lover…
…or you become withdrawn and distant, shutting down to protect yourself and taking time alone to process how you’re feeling.
Whatever the case, your relationship no longer feels safe.
Does this sound kinda familiar?
Am I close? Maybe you’re wondering if I’m psychic!
If you can relate to any of what I’ve just described, you’re normal.
I’ll say that again: You are normal and it’s OK that you’re fighting.
What I’ve described above is the inevitable journey from the Romance Stage of relationship to the Power Struggle stage of relationship. It’s not your fault – it’s designed by nature this way.
To some degree you lost yourself in your relationship while falling in love and have become dependent on your partner. This is not actually a “bad” thing and is a necessary part of the bonding process that happens when we fall in love.
However, it is not a sustainable way to live, so nature forces you to energetically separate and establish a new, more healthy shared power between you.
If you succeed, you graduate with flying colors to the next stage of relationship – mature love. If you don’t, you break up.
Is it okay, though? Is it normal? This journey…I feel like I’m crawling through the barren desert with a partner who takes the canteen full of water away every time I need a drink and castigates me for being thirsty and getting ill. HOW IS THIS NORMAL?!?!?!
I figured out the root of all of our disagreements. Every argument we have had has surfaced right after I have made a financial contribution. Last night it happened to be that I bought dinner. One almost happened the night before after I bought dinner (We usually eat in btw.), but I was able to diffuse it. Add in the dog disobeying him when he got home from work and the fact that I talked to a not so attractive male neighbor about the HOA and the ridiculous $405 monthly HOA fee for fifteen minutes and our world fucking exploded.
It didn’t truly hit me until I walked into work today. Luckily I have my own office where I can hide my tears.
I have done everything I can possibly think of. I followed all of the actions I set in place to keep calm and diffuse arguments where possible. I asked for five minutes to walk around the complex and clear my head. Instead of granting that five minutes, Sky told me I couldn’t stop him from coming with. He followed and continued to spew delusional, drunken garbage. I snuck out to the car to sit for five minutes and he accused me of doing that to beg for attention.
My trajectory was clear. I asked for a moment of time to myself. He did not acquiesce, so I took the space without “asking.” Where did he get begging for attention from that? He was gas lighting me. Go figure. Meanwhile, he did that later by telling me he was leaving and then sitting in his car and texting me for over an hour.
I begged him to stop name calling, stop making irrational judgments about my character, and focus on the issue at hand, but he crossed every line I drew in the sand. The boundaries, put in place to help me center myself, just inflamed him. It was totally okay for him to leave, though. It is always all about Sky. He says the relationship comes first, but he proved, yet again, that his ego does, even if it means our downfall and the death of our dreams for our future.
I already knew that there is a power struggle in relationships and all relationship articles I’ve encountered say that’s where most relationships end, at the disillusionment phase. I sincerely believed for sure if we could just get through it, we would have a great union. That’s why I asked him to wait a year or two to have children. I knew there would be kinks to work out. This is normal, but Sky insists that I am a monster.
I take credit where I am responsible, always, at this stage in my life anyway. I have to say, I truly did not start this. I tried to diffuse and once it escalated I engaged, as one does when emotions are heightened.
My husband, however, is positive that he is infallible. I should have known this. In every story he’s ever told, even those where he has shown me text chains that would point to his degree of fault, it’s always the other person, never him. Then he wonders why people “hate” him.
So I don’t know what happens now. All I know is that I gave it everything I had and he gave me drunken, delusional critiques and put downs. I have to get my emotional life in order and the only way to do it together is if he does his own work.
I am still all for marrying someone right away if that feels right. With the right partner and directed effort, these things can turn out wonderfully. I have seen it before. Maybe I just played the wrong hand.