Blinders

It's been a minute. We had a lot going on.

I got let go from my job…after completing and printing the major project they hired me for and I got all the pats on the back, they let me go. They didn't have enough work to keep me busy, anyway. They needed a contract designer, but did not want to pay contract rates.

That Saturday, my remaining grandparent had a stroke and was non responsive. That was two weeks ago. She just passed this Sunday. We were close.

SC moved out of his apartment and into my condo the same weekend. We found a house we liked and are now in the process of moving everything from the condo to the house.

It's kinda terrifying giving up the bachelor and bachelorette pads. SC mentioned it once, in passing. I realize now we are dealing with several things that can be frightening in addition to the things I have going on on my end and we haven't fully communicated how we feel about them.

I despise being unable to contribute to my family financially, but I am happy to have a husband who is willing to support us while I find a job in my field. I almost applied for anything in any field and he asked me to wait and see what happens in my field.

I ended up so stressed out, though, between the job and my grandma, and an all around rough year. SC was too busy and stressed with his move to my place to support me, so I took a walk, in the desert, a desert city, without water or my phone. I forgot both.

I was gone for two hours. I just walked two miles to the park. There is a water fountain there, shade, and a pond I sat at for some time to clear my head. SC tried to find me on foot and by car, but he wasn't familiar with the area. My return culminated in a breakdown of his wall of anger. The anger was replaced with a flurry of tears, professions of his dedication to us, and clarifying what he could do to assure me that he loves me.

It's so easy to continue operating as a singular entity in the beginning of a relationship and a marriage. I didn't take him into account when I decided where I was going. He was scared I'd passed out somewhere from heat exhaustion and had called everyone we know asking if they knew where I'd gone. My bad. Lesson learned.

The following weekend, the day after we moved all of the furniture into our new house (I say we, but really SC and his friend did the heavy lifting.), chaos ensued.

I won't go into too much detail. It was an incredibly volatile 36 hours.

I had an audition for a film scheduled for mid morning. We agreed that I'd go to the condo, finish packing dishes and miscellaneous items, and bring back anything that wasn't too heavy for my pinched nerves before I headed down to the audition. SC said he would head to the condo after I left for the audition and bring over heavy items. I brought home clothes and light items as promised

When I returned home from the audition an hour later, SC was in the kitchen. He told me he'd started drinking because his body was sore from moving furniture. It was a lot of stuff. It's understandable.

He was so drunk, however, that he passed out on a four minute drive to Costco two hours later and was clearly not in this world when we arrived. What ensued led to us sleeping in separate homes for two nights and now in separate bedrooms at our new home. Granted we have the master bedroom and then we each have our own room to do what we will with and the common areas, but still…

My family consists of high functioning alcoholics. I think I'm the only one who doesn't self medicate and I'm not quite sure why. I like to have a gauge on how I feel at any given moment. That being said I'll drink when out with friends and I'll have the occasional double on the rocks on a Friday night in, but it's rare. So I naturally, just like my brother, chose a high functioning alcoholic for a partner. Hey, it's familiar, right?

I was aware that SC was more or less a high functioning alcoholic. What I noticed was he didn't drink every night and the more time we spent together the less he'd drink on the nights he chose to. Sundays seemed to be his big drinking days.

I wasn't worried, because one could barely tell most times, and seriously, when I say my entire immediate family and a majority of my extended family are high functioning alcoholics, I mean it.

Maybe 17 hours into the drama, I woke up to a flurry of angry texts from SC essentially blaming me for the rest of the packing and moving not getting done on Sunday among other things.

Ummm, what? No no.

I didn't even read the rest of the texts until later on that day. I didn't need to. I was so done taking the full responsibility for our issues and I realized every major fight we've had, except one, started when he was drunk.

He dropped the ball and I let him know. I explained as much and that he was the one who no showed for packing because he got too drunk too fast.

On Monday, SC voluntarily quit drinking, for me, for us. I say quit, but he's tapering with beer. He didn't tell me until Tuesday. Actually, he took a week of PTO, continued to move things from the condo and stayed out of sight as much as possible. He only told me he was sick until he made the big reveal when I arrived home Tuesday evening. I can't imagine what he looked like on Monday.

Seeing him sweat and tremble over the last 24 hours, I see why there is a taper. I see why people die when they go cold turkey. It is now apparent to me just how much he was drinking. Idk if I missed it, got used to it, or if he was super stealthy.

He's got a lot of demons, as do I, as do we all. His way of dealing with them has been to run from them, to numb it enough. It's funny to me because ten years ago, he apparently consumed neither drugs not alcohol. That lasted for several years and that first taste got him.

He revealed a number of those demons to me in a very raw and genuine fashion.

Today has been better for him.

I was still ready to call it quits until I started looking after him.

The scary part is he's finally sleeping right now after not sleeping since Saturday. He's sleeping on his back and I keep going in there to make sure he's breathing. I guess it worked out that I got let go from the job. Who would have been there for him during the day this week? I can't believe he weathered Monday and most of Tuesday alone for us.

That being said, Sunday…after the events that occurred Sunday we're seeking mediation from a therapist. We need a non biased third party. It's the kind of blowout that shows that we could use some guidance. If he remains sober it shouldn't happen again, but we still could use mediation going forward.

I randomly came across this article in the Huffington Post about the "true" cause of addiction. I recommend reading it. All of the pertinent parts are too long to quote. The author reveals research and lab testing that show addiction being related to isolation and it is with interpersonal bonds that many people and lab rats just stop using their drug of choice. It's deeper than that. Read it if you have time.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s